By: Nate Mason
Holy Grammar
I did something mean the other day during worship: I made the congregation do math. It wasn’t very hard math, but that’s the meanest math to make people do! We were discussing the numerical symbolism within the Book of Revelation. The number 12 represents all of God’s people, but those crazy Zoanastrians like to put special emphasis on their symbols by using multiplication. So, if you want to refer to absolutely positively ALL of God’s people you multiply 12x12, or 144. Then, John the Revelator wants us to understand that all of God’s people will be perfected, or sanctified, so they add a couple more mathematical steps. The number 10 represents perfect, and the number 3 represents divinity, so if you want to say that God will make absolutely all of his people divinely perfect you would take (12x12)x(10x10x10)=144,000![i] I’m starting to think Revelation would be less confusing if you just take it literally rather than diving into the complex symbolism of apocalyptic literature.
As much as we dislike simple but hard math equations, we really hate basic grammar. One of my friends used to teach Literature at the University of Massachusetts, Boston, and she would always tell me that the best way to improve my writing was to diagram sentences. That was free advice from a highly skilled expert in her field, but I will never do that. That sounds physically painful. For all of you who are now reading what I have written, I apologize to you because this isn’t higher quality, but I just won’t put myself through the shame and frustration of forcing myself to acknowledge that I have forgotten everything that Mr. Lee White taught me in my sixth-grade grammar class.[ii] We live in a time where emails need to be written fast and made to be brief. Text messages the most common form of direct communication, but the “special characters and punctuations” screen is far to inconvenient to incorporate into my texting rhythm. Writing should be functional, and for most of spending more than a moment considering proper structures and form is not functional. Thus, we extend Grace, and give each other permission to be lax on the hard laws of English writing. Naturally, when we are forced to contend with basic skills long forgotten, we respond with frustration and repressed shame. We are going to be talking about pronouns, and I want you to deal with your lapsed grammar skills so we can get a handle on the bigger picture. Sometimes, it is important to go through the exercise so we can do the right thing.[iii]
The importance of using the right name and pronoun
There’s a new trend going around where people add their pronouns to their names and signatures. You’ll see this at the end of an email (“Pastor Nate Mason he/him”) or as part of a Zoom title. This is how people introduce themselves; just a little added information to help others address me in a way that recognizes my human dignity. I wish this was always the case! I have embarrassed myself with several Jans, Lynns, Lindsays, and Kelseys! Introductions help us convey a sense of identity, and identity is important (as I have written about in the past). As our culture is becoming more aware of our trans and non-binary brothers and sisters, getting used to these comprehensive introductions is crucial to the church’s mission of making disciples of Jesus Christ for the transformation of the world.
First, let’s just recognize that intentionally using the wrong gendered pronoun is harmful. I played high school basketball (poorly). When the coach wanted to shame us into working harder, they would call us girls. “Look at you out there running like a girl!” That statement was meant to make me feel bad. It also implied that girls where somehow less than boys, and in that moment, comparing anybody to how I was running would have been an insult to them! Within the context of coaching athletes, derogatory comments may or may not be appropriate, I am clearly no expert on sports! But within the context of interpersonal relationships, misgendering is incredibly toxic. Studies have shown that using the appropriate pronoun for trans and non-binary people drastically reduce rates of mental health struggles, physical health issues, and employee turnover.[iv] On the flip side, intentionally using the wrong name and pronoun amplifies all of these problems, causing harm to the physical and mental well-being of the person. If you recall, John Wesley’s First General Rule is “Do no harm.” We have to understand that our words will have an impact on those we communicate with. It is our responsibility, regardless of whether or not you understand or approve, to “respect for the inherent dignity of all persons.” (United Methodist Social Principles)
Confusing Sex and Gender
Possibly my wife’s least favorite joke was about the “gender” of our children. Whenever we’d go in for our second ultrasound with both kids, the ultrasound tech would ask “Would you like to know the gender of the baby?” to which I would say “Absolutely not! We are Christians! We don’t want any of your black magic fortune telling casting curses on our family! But we would like to know the sex of the baby.” The tech would be shocked, my wife would groan, then I would go on to mansplain the difference between sex and gender.
Gender is a vast cloud of implicit societal expectations regarding roles and behaviors. Sex is a biological trait. My undergrad studies were in Sociology, and the study of gender has pretty big implications within sociology. Gender roles change over time, from culture to culture, and no one is expected to fit all the expectations of their gender. For example, for the bulk of human history, farming was considered women’s work. Up until the 19th century, farms were little more than really big gardens. They were close to the house and thus safe to work. This safety and proximity made farming work ideal for women in that dangerous time. Men were expected to go out and learn a trade, hunt, or manage livestock. Of course, if I declared that farming was women’s work in my churches on Sunday, I would imagine I would have a few very angry farmers wanting to talk to me after worship. This is all to say that gender is a wide and vast spectrum, not just a binary position. Growing up in rural South Dakota, I was told that men liked sports, went hunting, and worked with their hands. Women do the cooking, childcare, and other domestic work. I was awful at sports, I have nothing against hunting, but much prefer to play video games, and I decided to become a pastor, so I never work with my hands. Furthermore, I do almost all the cooking in my household and I’m the one who gets to stay home with the kids during summer break. Does this mean I am not a man? I don’t think so. I just don’t fit that culture’s expectations of manhood. I’m an 80’s child. If you want to see the vast spectrum of American masculinity just look at the cultural icons of that era: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rob Lowe, Sylvester Stallone, George Michael, Tom Selleck, David Bowie, Chuck Norris, Mr. Rogers. Seriously, any culture that would lift Chuck Norris and Mr. Rogers as examples of idyllic men is obviously rich in diversity!
With such a vast and complicated gender spectrum, it is natural that some people won’t find their place in the two-option system we currently use. Non-binary people won’t force themselves into “this or that” labels. They reject the expectation baggage that comes with men and women. Our language is struggling to catch up to this truth. There is a movement to incorporate new pronouns into the common vernacular (zie, sie, etc.), but mostly non-binary people prefer the pronouns “they/them.” Some of you might be saying “Nate! You told me to work on my grammar and pronouns, and I remember that they/them are plural pronouns. You can’t use them for one person.” To which I would say “Hey! Good job on doing an English refresher. You’re better for doing it. Now just accept that the old rules left out a whole bunch of God’s children, so ignore that part. People are more important than rules we don’t really use anyway.”
Gender is complicated and changing, sex is relatively simple and constant. Most of the time.[v] Biological sex is categorized physical expression of sex, chromosomal sex, hormonal sex, and probably others. I studied sociology, not biology. There are numerous and common ways where these different categories of biological sex don’t line up. There was a great podcast series by Radio Lab that explored the complexities of sex. If you’re curious about it check it out here.
Take people at their word and celebrate their witness
Identity is complicated, and we can’t know the process others go through to figure out who they are. Emily St. James, Critic at Large for Vox, wrote an awe-inspiring piece on how she came out as a transwoman. Please take the time to read it by following this link. In an interview on NPR’s Morning Edition, Emily talks about how growing up in rural South Dakota and attending a fundamentalist church created a sense of struggle and self-doubt that prevented her from recognizing her true self for decades. Emily shares her story with a sense of openness that can only come from spiritual liberation. When I first read Emily’s story, I was floored because I grew up with Emily! I just want to make a quick note for those who don’t have much experience with trans people. When I knew Emily, she identified as a man. It wasn’t until decades later that she came out as a woman. It is considered respectful to use trans people’s current name and pronouns when telling stories in the past. If you’d like to learn more about how to write on the trans experience check out this style guide (which Emily helped create!)
We went to the South Dakota Governor’s Camp for the Gifted. Since they allowed me to come, there was clearly a sliding scale on what “gifted” meant. Emily walked with a sense of confidence and purpose that even among the “gifted elite” she stood out as an overwhelming presence. We were part of the camp AV Club (I assume she used this on her resume when she started writing for the AV Club website) I got to be her cameraperson, and we were tasked with roaming around Vermillion, South Dakota reporting on the news. What we did instead was this: Emily would put on a rubber Ronald Reagan mask, walk into a local business, declare “I am the 40th President of the United States” in a voice that sounded nothing like President Reagan. Then we’d try to steal stuff in hopes of forcing a scene where employees would have to explain to the former President that he can’t just take things. Emily did this with such boldness the employees would forget that we can’t just take things! We’d have to remind them several times that Emily had not in fact paid for a Hanson’s Mmmbop single and they should stop her.
I had (wrongly) assumed that this boldness came from a sense of security, of knowing exactly who you are and what you were doing. At that time in my life, I was scared, insecure, and terrified that if the people around me saw the “real” me, I would be rejected. Emily gave me a a sense of self-worth right when I needed it most. If she would choose to be my friend, then there must be something worthy about me.
Reading Emily’s work now makes me realize that everyone struggles with who they are. If someone like Emily, who presented such confidence in her youth, can struggle with her sense of self, we must assume many others in our churches, families, and communities are struggling too. The simple act of accepting each other as we are, speaking to each other as who are, can build a sense of self and confidence. Emily did not let her childhood experience of church choke out her faith. She still regularly attends worship. Let’s make the church a place where all people can be their authentic selves.
Ok, so now what?
All of this is very complicated, it’s beyond our experience, so what are we supposed to do? That part’s a pretty simple: take people at their word. When people introduce themselves, listen and believe in them. There is no way we can know the hearts and minds (or bodies) of the people we meet. Here are a few tips for connecting better with others:
- Always use given names and pronouns. This seems basic, but there is a huge struggle, especially with older men, to rise to this task. I still struggle sometimes with my former church youth who have transitioned. In my mind and prayers I often use their “dead” name (the name by which they went by before coming out), but I recognize that this is my short coming and others shouldn’t be made uncomfortable because of my short comings
- If you slip up and use the wrong pronoun, thank them for their patience. This is a new way of communicating. We are going to make mistakes. One of my clergy colleagues is non-binary. I love them dearly and I try hard, but I still frequently slip up and use a gendered pronoun or honorific. My knee jerk response is to apologize. Confess my sin, lament, and cry their pardon. But, I shouldn’t make it a big deal. I am just one part of this person’s day, and they will have to have conversations with dozens of others. I shouldn’t make the simple act of talking exhausting for them. If they correct me on my slip up, I just say “Oh, thank you for pointing that out. I’ll fix it.” Or, more often, if they remain quiet and I catch myself, at the end of the conversation I’ll just say something like “Hey, I know I slipped up a few times, thank you for your patience.”
In the end, we must recognize that we have no right to name other people. If my SPRC chair introduced themselves as Bonny, I wouldn’t say “No! Your name is Tim!” Sadly, this concept has become politicized. Pronouns, gender, and sex have all been dragged into the “Culture Wars.” I refuse to believe that recognizing the human dignity of all God’s children is a political act! It’s a Christian act. Just look to the Apostle Paul. All of Paul’s letters are addressed to “the beloved called to be saints.” In the English language “saint” is a gender-neutral pronoun. Paul was such an ally! Who knew? May God bless all you saints.
[1] Revelation for Today by James Efird is a great easy reading reference guide for the Book of Revelation. He does the math for you.
[1] There is a very strong likelihood that this was a run on sentence, but since I will never diagram it I cannot say for certain.
[1] It | is \ important
|so \sometimes \ to
| \ go
| \ through
| \ exercise
| \the
|
We | cand do | thing
\right \the
[1] Here’s a great blog post that discusses this with links to hard research https://kognito.com/blog/why-using-the-right-gender-pronouns-matters while Johns Hopkins University has a lot of helpful guidance on the subject https://studentaffairs.jhu.edu/lgbtq/trans-resources/supporting/
[1] Obviously an incomplete sentence. See! Rules aren’t that important.
